Who teaches men to be effective lovers? Until now, no one. The prevailing word in that question is “effective.” Almost any woman can compile a list of ineffective teachers. Most women that I have interviewed report that their male partner has few clues about how to be a consistently effective lover.

Every man has teachers. His own “urge to merge” provides the drive. Then he looks around for guidance in how to use that phallic power. Other boys or men will share their stories of sexual prowess. The movies and TV provide sexual images, portraying what appear to be well-received offers and action leading to sexual intercourse. Most young men (of any age) find their way to pornography. Pictures and videos provide models for sexual intercourse.


We all recognize the scene. First of all, the woman is obviously ready, willing and able. Most times a passionate kiss begins the encounter. She responds eagerly and passionately to his kiss and embrace. Both begin almost immediately to rip off each other’s clothing, and find an acceptable space for the man to lie on top of her. We may see a few seconds of his passionate caressing of her breasts and nipples, and then, almost immediately he is inside of her and she is moaning in ecstasy. The next scene usually shows one of them leaving the bed, either soon thereafter or early the next morning. End of one more ineffective lesson.

In spite of the prevalence of public sexual imagery, our culture remains sex-phobic and uneducated. Most women have little permission to explore the sensual riches of their own bodies or to experience the fullness of their own sexual passions. Therefore, most women are unprepared to teach their male lovers what to do. The almost mythic story of the older woman who takes the young male and teaches him the secrets of sexual intercourse remains fascinating and always a bit frowned upon.

Relationships are usually fragile. Sexual incompatibility, which adds to relationship tensions, frequently has more to do with ignorance than with poor intention. The time has come to move beyond cultural taboos to sensitive, relationship-affirming sexual education for women and for men.

Author: Kaye Wray, Ph.D., has been a teacher and researcher for over 35 years. As a bisexual woman, she has spent most of her life paying attention to women’s sensuality and sexual responses. Acquiring information both from the perspective of how a woman receives optimum sexual pleasure and of how to provide optimum sexual pleasure to a woman, she is now sharing that information with couples who are serious about improving their relationships, with women who want to claim the fullness of their own sexual passions, and with men who want to be better lovers. For more information on intimacy education, go to http://www.lovingwomenwell.com

Who Teaches Men How to Be Effective Lovers?